2018: This will be a Good Year

Lord, thank you for the great year of 2017. I was able to accomplish a lot of things. It's true that you don't get everything that you've wished for but it still felt so good that I got to cross some items on my to-do list.

While I started 2017 with a very positive attitude, I was struggling to keep it all throughout the year because of too many commitments.

I got promoted to unit head in our religious community early last year and was immediately assigned to do several tasks such as leading our Christian Life Program that ran for three months and heading our chapter to our regional conference in Naga City. It all went fine but the journey was not that easy especially that I have two jobs.

Speaking of jobs, 2017 marked my new chapter in the corporate world as I jumped from one bank to another. I was so excited to explore my new work as I was among the pioneers in our team. My bosses are all supportive and I get along well with my colleagues.

Due to several commitments, I didn't get to spend more hours teaching in my part-time job. I still retained it as I don't want to burn bridges with the company that gave me a chance when I was struggling financially.

Also, I was able to go back to school. After seven years, I finally got the chance to enroll for a master's degree. I am now in my second term. The whole degree will run for two years, three semesters each.

I was able to religiously hear Sunday masses (except last Christmas where I missed the schedule of the mass in our church in the province). Still, I'm happy that I'm always being led to a church every Sunday.

I celebrated Christmas in Leyte, my mother's hometown. I'm thinking of making it a family tradition to go to our province every December. For the first time as well, our family was complete when we welcome the new year.

In my romantic life, I finally met her. She said yes on her birthday as well. We were together when I went to Cebu, her hometown. We've been to several places as well. Hopefully, we get to travel a lot as a couple this 2018.

For 2018, I really hope that I will be able to explore new things. I'm already 30 but that won't hinder me from doing something new. I want this year to be a year of exploration for me. I will try to make no limitations.

I want to learn how to play a guitar, to swim, to have a regular exercise, to travel more, to save and invest more, to do more acts of charity and to blog more.

2018, please be good to me.

Lord,

I really appreciate all the blessings that you have showered last year. Thank you as well for the challenges as I was able to realize a lot of things after going through it. 

Let me be the person You want me to be this year. I know it's going to be even harder but with You beside me, I believe that I'll make it.

Amen.

Fear of Failure

I had a training back in April. I don't think I find it difficult then because I would've remembered my struggles. It's safe to assume that I might've taken it lightly. That training has a certification exam that you need to take for a certain period of time. I have been trying to review but I probably did not put more value on it. I was forced to take the exam yesterday and I failed.

There were so many factors that contributed to this failure and I can't stop myself overthinking.

First, the preparation. I have eight months since I had the training to review and prepare but I didn't. I was given a lot of resources to read but I only touched them whenever I feel like reading. This attitude alone should've hinted me that I will definitely fail this exam.

Second, trust and insecurities. I have so many trust issues and insecurities in life. I don't believe in myself. I always compare myself to others. I have a fear of failure. The moment that the training was over, I did not take my review seriously probably because I won't be taking it in the first place for fear of failing it. But I have to. Our company paid for that training and I need to at least do my part.

Third, my attitude. Above all the other factors, it's still my attitude towards the exam that would matter. Have I been so positive about it, I would've prepared for it a long time ago. I would've prioritized it over other things. I would've asked for prayer warriors. But, I hide it from everyone. I was so afraid that if I fail, people would judge me.

It's over. I will now have to prepare for the next phase of it. Should I go for a retake? If yes, then I should know by now how not to fail again.

Lord,

I know I've been praying for this since I took the training. You know that I'm afraid of failure. You know that I have so low self-esteem. Yet You still allowed this to happen. :(

I'm not blaming You though. I know that You've done Your part. And that I failed because I didn't do mine. 

Or probably You let this happen to teach me another lesson - that I should learn how to look at failures from a different perspective.

Or maybe You wanted me to realize how bad I was in treating people days before the exam. I know, I was rude to a lot of them. I was so stressed that I really wanted to isolate myself but I can't because that's part of the challenge. 

Help me, Lord, to stand up again. I think I'm okay now but the moment that this topic will be brought up again, I'm pretty sure it would change my mood 180 degrees. 

Lord, all I want is to be happy and satisfied. Guide me to that path. Life's giving us so many options that it's really confusing me. Enlighten me, Lord.

It's already Christmas. It should've been me giving You a present. I'm selfish. I'm sorry, Lord. :(

Amen.

Rejoice. Pray. Give Thanks.

Just a week ago, I sent an email to my colleagues detailing their mistakes in our daily reports. I was the one in charge doing the weekly report that's why I get to see the lapses that my officemates tend to overlook. I had a feeling that they took it negatively and I really can't blame them. I'm a jerk.

Last Sunday, the priest focused his sermon on this verse: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always. Pray unceasingly. In all circumstances, give thanks.”

That mass made me realized how wrong I was in sending that email. I started asking myself questions and forcing myself to answer each.

The priest told us that no matter how bad our situation is, always look for the good side of it because there will always be. If you're having a hard time, pray unceasingly. Be appreciative every single second.

Lord,

Thank you for making me realize that. I started my day in the office earlier positively. I tried to do all my tasks without looking for someone else's mistakes. I tried to focus myself on what I need to accomplish today rather than how I can teach my colleagues by letting them know where they failed.

Humble me, Lord, as I take on this challenge. I know it will be hard because I'm not usually the positive guy but I'm pretty sure that day-by-day, you will guide me through my transition. 

Amen.

Surprised Recognition

Sharing the status I posted on Facebook:

My story started exactly January of 2017. I didn’t know anyone here prior to joining so I really started establishing relationships from scratch. Being an introvert, it would’ve been a struggle but our team is so accommodating that you’ll easily feel at home.

I am so grateful to have very supportive bosses. I’ve been working for almost a decade and I would say that I’m lucky to have a mentor, a friend and a critic all rolled into each one of them. I’ve learned so much from you and will continue to look up to all of you as I take on new challenges and opportunities. You’re both instrumental as well in my continuous improvement.

To my teammates and colleagues who always try to make every single day a joke time no matter how serious our work is, thank you! I was wrong to think that we always need to be serious in this industry. With all your positivities, who would’ve thought that we can be productive without stressing ourselves too much. I’m sorry for being your complete opposite though - the serious and boring one. Lol! I’m closing 2017 (I know it’s not even Christmas yet but who cares? Lol!) with high hopes. Thank you for the recognition. I truly appreciate it. 

Lord,

You surprised me today. I was really not expecting that. Thank you!

I know I did a lot of things at work. There were times that it feels like I'm not getting any credits but You still encouraged me to go on. There were times that I wanted to quit because I feel like I'm not being valued but You never let me quit. It was You who gave me the perseverance to continue running my race. And now, this.

Thank you, Lord, for believing in me and for your gifts of talent and wisdom.

Help me, Lord, to continue to be humble. Allow me to honor You for my every victory. Teach me how to be generous and share your blessings with those around me.

Amen.

Insomnia x Overthinking

I can't sleep. It's already 2:30AM as of this writing and I have a shift later at 6AM. I don't really have time left to sleep. I don't feel like sleeping as well.

I don't know if it's because of the #Hugot playlist in Spotify that I'm currently playing or my inner self is probably complaining about having this morning shift when it's used to staying up late. I don't really have a choice. My work requires being in a rotating shift.

I like this company though. Except for the rotating schedule, I like the working environment - my teammates, the workload, my bosses and even the benefits. I just really have to adjust to the schedule and the usual office kulitan that an introvert like me often find stressful primarily because I don't feel like we're all on the same wavelength. But I laugh at their jokes. They're really creative in pulling off some jokes.

While I like this job, I also have my own share of resignation blues. The other day, I was asking myself for any possible reasons that I would resign and I managed to answer it with salary. Maybe because I'm pressured. I feel like I should be earning more. But, I also feel like I don't deserve it yet because I still lack skills.

Or, I would probably resign if I don't get promoted after say two years. Again, the reason is that I feel like I deserve it. But then again, I have to earn it. The thing is, two years is two years. Will I last that long? It's almost my first year anniversary though.

If I get an offer from abroad particularly Dubai, I would most likely resign. I haven't applied for any jobs abroad though. I don't know how and where should I start. Or maybe because I'm halfhearted?

Historically, all of my past resignations can be attributed to my bosses. If I don't feel like I'm being valued or supported by my immediate supervisors, that would be a huge reason for me to move out. I need to feel that I have value for the company.

But I'm kind of unpredictable when it comes to decisions. It won't be a surprise if all of a sudden I decide to resign. I have that tendency. Being an overthinker makes me see and feel things far from the future.

It's past 3AM now. I will end this here.

Lord,

I know I have so many things running through my mind. I feel like I'm a slave to my own problems and worries. Help me to overcome them. Guide me to face each of these trials so I won't just easily quit. 

While You allow me to experience the life that I chose to have, show me the path to the life that You have written for me. Make me realize that Your plans are better than mine. 

I need peace of mind, Lord. Give me the comfort and calm that I think I badly need these days. 

Amen.

God's Grace at Work

I was in training the past few days. At first, I was excited. It was a technical training and I don't have much idea about how their program works. However, on our third and last day, I got drained. Negative thoughts start popping out of my head. I started to feel insecure once again.

While I've been working in this industry for more than half a decade now, I still consider myself a newbie. I don't even think that I'm a technical person. This industry requires a very technical and evolving skill set. I've been struggling to keep up with the rest. I don't even know how I was able to survive these past six years.

God's grace. I believe it's all because of His grace. He's very generous in giving us second chances, wisdom and perseverance.

At times, I feel like I don't belong here. However, I also feel like that there's something in this industry that makes me survive and continue to move forward.

I'm probably just tired and overthinking. Or, I might've got exhausted because of too much social interactions. I'm an introvert, right? I probably just need some alone time.

John 1:16 From His fullness we have all received, favor upon favor.

Lord,

I know You believe in me. You've created me in such uniqueness that I sometimes think that it's becoming more of a challenge than a blessing. Help me to understand this life. Help me to realize that through all of these confusions, Your light will eventually lead me to the path of success.

Amen.

Photo Credit: fellowshipoftherockies.org

Chaotic Life

It seems like my life is in chaos, again. I don't know when did it start to happen. I just suddenly realize that things are starting to get out of control.

It probably started when I started committing myself to a lot of things that I did not calculate if I can even have a time for myself. When opportunities came knocking at my door, I let them all in. Now, I'm overwhelmed. Now, they're all exhausting me.

I think my brain is not functioning the way it should be. Recently, I've made decisions that I'm regretting now. Why did I even do them? What was I thinking?

But this is what it is. I have to face this life as it is now.

I want to escape by going abroad. Yes, I'm a coward. I'm always a coward.

But if I want to grow up and act like an adult, I should face this life now. I just can't leave everything behind and start a new life. I can do this. I can really get out of this mess.

Lord,

Is this part of your test? Are you trying to challenge me if I deserve all these great things that you have given me? 

I'm having a hard time, Lord. I can't keep up with the demands and pressure of this new life.

But I know I can't quit because I still believe that I'm better than the man I used to be. I won't quit. 

Lord, enlighten me. Day by day, I'm losing my vision of the life that I'm always dreaming of. I know that this journey is going to be hard. But with you by my side, I can win this over. 

Lord, give me the strength to face all these struggles. I can't do this alone. And so I'm counting on you.

Amen.

On Expectations and Disappointments

As much as I don't want to, I'd still get disappointed. It's not only the unmet expectations but also the trust that was just easily thrown out of the window. Why? I really want to know why people do that?

If you can't commit, then don't. I know how hard it is to go through the process but you have to decide. You just can't say yes and then just leave the rest of the team hanging when the road gets tough. That's so irresponsible. That's so immature.

I know I'm ranting again but I just can't help it. Once? Twice? How many times am I going to let all your excuses cover your lapses?

Partly, it's my fault. I trusted you. And I continued to trust you even after your first mistakes. I did not confront you believing that you'd change. That you'd realize that I'm kind enough not to blame you for all the mess that I keep on covering up.

I hope and pray that you would realize how important it is to value your relationship with the people around you specially those who trusted  and believed in you.

Lord,

I know that I'm bringing back that old me who just keeps on ranting every single moment. Forgive me if I just have to let this out. I can't help it. I can't confront that person for I know I'd probably say things that I would regret in the end. I want to control myself. I want to let this out without hurting anyone. I know that I'm just hurting myself more. I completely understand that. But I've ran out of options.

Let me be the person you'd want me to be now, right at this very moment, when my emotions are unstable and my brain's just keep on running back and forth. Help me conquer this battle. Lead me to the path you'd want me to take.

Amen.

The Overthinker Introvert.

These past couple of weeks, I've been very busy. I don't even know if 'very busy' is the best term to describe my current status. But, I'm still okay. I think I can still handle everything. 

Being a self-confessed introvert, it's exhausting to live in a world made for extroverts. Every day is a struggle. But what makes it even worse is that I'm an overthinker. I'm not sure if this is a common trait for the other introverts but it is the worst combo to have. Well, I guess, I'm that lucky.

Again, I'm okay. Or am I? No, I really am. I don't want to cause more confusion. I. AM. OK. I'm trying to be.

Lord, 

I know You are there watching over me. Help me understand why. Help me to be more understanding and loving. 

Amen.

At Peace.

Recently, I've been very vocal about how satisfied I am. I kind of feel like things are in the places where I want them to be. I still overthink but it's not like how I used to do it. It seemed like I'm in a totally new person.

God answered my prayers. Before I realized how He granted each one of my heart's desires, He prepared me to be here; to experience the life that I've been praying for the last couple of months.

Everyday, I still struggle to face new challenges but there's this new energy in me that makes me feel spiritually strong. I still get drained, stressed out, frustrated and unloved but there's this unexplained hope in me that continues to hold and believe that everything's going to be fine.

God is indeed in control of everything. When we feel like we're about to give up, pray. Because that's what I did. The problems just kept on coming every single day and I just kept on praying.

Let me share a beautiful line that struck me from the recently concluded Liveloud 2017, a Catholic praise concert:

This is true. I don't have to know what my future is, I just have to trust Him because I know He has great plans for me.

Lord,

Thank you for all the blessings. Thank you for giving me the peace that I've been longing for. Thank you for granting all my prayers despite of the sins that I still continue to commit. You are indeed a Forgiving, Understanding and Loving God.

Help me, Lord, to overcome all the trials and my personal battles against sin. Guide me to become a good example to my fellow Christians.

Amen.

Of Happiness and Overthinking

In today's homily, Rev. Fr. Jun Sescon, Jr. of Greenbelt Chapel asked us What makes you happy? The question is very timely. It really got me thinking.

Last week, I was kind of discouraged not because of my new job nor with my new officemates. It was more of an internal thing. I was just overthinking again.

I'm comparing myself to someone in the office. We're of the same age but in terms of position, she's ahead of me. She's the boss of my boss. She has a good track record - got master's degree and graduated from UP. In terms of personality, she's very outgoing and oozing with confidence. She really deserves all the achievements that she's enjoying now.

I'm happy for her. Yes, I envy her but that doesn't mean that I'd like to see her fail. She deserves every bit of that success.

So, why am I overthinking? Perhaps because I suddenly realized that I still have a lot of things to do in order to prove to myself that I'm better than anyone else.

I started 2017 with a very positive outlook. I got a new job, a new set of friends and new tasks to work on. I would really like to sustain this kind of momentum but after last week, I'm finding it hard to get back on track.

I'm happy that I never run out of work opportunities. I even have a couple of part-time jobs. But every time I feel like I'm in a competition and that I'm on the losing end, I easily get discouraged.

Going back to that question, Fr. Jun advised us to answer it to ourselves: What makes you happy?

According to Fr. Jun, there are four levels of happiness - happiness in things, happiness in you, happiness in others and happiness in the goodness of God. I won't go through each of the four levels because they're obviously self-explanatory.

I tried to apply this concept in my life and I think I'm still on the first level - happiness in things. Why? Because I still find it hard to be satisfied with my achievements. I'm still not confident. In my mind, I'm belittling myself.

I know that this isn't right. I know that I should be the first one to believe in my own capabilities. But, what can I do?

I want to be happy. I want to be genuinely happy. So, what really makes me happy then?

I'm not sure. Peace of mind because I overthink a lot? To become a successful person? To be rich? To have a family of my own? To have a partner who'll love me unconditionally? I really don't know.

Lord,

I know I've got the most complex human brain out there. I'm sorry if I complicate things a lot. But, I also know that you have a purpose why you created me this way.

Lord, help me understand when things start to become very complex and confusing. Give me the wisdom to decide which way to go. 

Amen.