Insomnia x Overthinking

I can't sleep. It's already 2:30AM as of this writing and I have a shift later at 6AM. I don't really have time left to sleep. I don't feel like sleeping as well.

I don't know if it's because of the #Hugot playlist in Spotify that I'm currently playing or my inner self is probably complaining about having this morning shift when it's used to staying up late. I don't really have a choice. My work requires being in a rotating shift.

I like this company though. Except for the rotating schedule, I like the working environment - my teammates, the workload, my bosses and even the benefits. I just really have to adjust to the schedule and the usual office kulitan that an introvert like me often find stressful primarily because I don't feel like we're all on the same wavelength. But I laugh at their jokes. They're really creative in pulling off some jokes.

While I like this job, I also have my own share of resignation blues. The other day, I was asking myself for any possible reasons that I would resign and I managed to answer it with salary. Maybe because I'm pressured. I feel like I should be earning more. But, I also feel like I don't deserve it yet because I still lack skills.

Or, I would probably resign if I don't get promoted after say two years. Again, the reason is that I feel like I deserve it. But then again, I have to earn it. The thing is, two years is two years. Will I last that long? It's almost my first year anniversary though.

If I get an offer from abroad particularly Dubai, I would most likely resign. I haven't applied for any jobs abroad though. I don't know how and where should I start. Or maybe because I'm halfhearted?

Historically, all of my past resignations can be attributed to my bosses. If I don't feel like I'm being valued or supported by my immediate supervisors, that would be a huge reason for me to move out. I need to feel that I have value for the company.

But I'm kind of unpredictable when it comes to decisions. It won't be a surprise if all of a sudden I decide to resign. I have that tendency. Being an overthinker makes me see and feel things far from the future.

It's past 3AM now. I will end this here.

Lord,

I know I have so many things running through my mind. I feel like I'm a slave to my own problems and worries. Help me to overcome them. Guide me to face each of these trials so I won't just easily quit. 

While You allow me to experience the life that I chose to have, show me the path to the life that You have written for me. Make me realize that Your plans are better than mine. 

I need peace of mind, Lord. Give me the comfort and calm that I think I badly need these days. 

Amen.

Of Happiness and Overthinking

In today's homily, Rev. Fr. Jun Sescon, Jr. of Greenbelt Chapel asked us What makes you happy? The question is very timely. It really got me thinking.

Last week, I was kind of discouraged not because of my new job nor with my new officemates. It was more of an internal thing. I was just overthinking again.

I'm comparing myself to someone in the office. We're of the same age but in terms of position, she's ahead of me. She's the boss of my boss. She has a good track record - got master's degree and graduated from UP. In terms of personality, she's very outgoing and oozing with confidence. She really deserves all the achievements that she's enjoying now.

I'm happy for her. Yes, I envy her but that doesn't mean that I'd like to see her fail. She deserves every bit of that success.

So, why am I overthinking? Perhaps because I suddenly realized that I still have a lot of things to do in order to prove to myself that I'm better than anyone else.

I started 2017 with a very positive outlook. I got a new job, a new set of friends and new tasks to work on. I would really like to sustain this kind of momentum but after last week, I'm finding it hard to get back on track.

I'm happy that I never run out of work opportunities. I even have a couple of part-time jobs. But every time I feel like I'm in a competition and that I'm on the losing end, I easily get discouraged.

Going back to that question, Fr. Jun advised us to answer it to ourselves: What makes you happy?

According to Fr. Jun, there are four levels of happiness - happiness in things, happiness in you, happiness in others and happiness in the goodness of God. I won't go through each of the four levels because they're obviously self-explanatory.

I tried to apply this concept in my life and I think I'm still on the first level - happiness in things. Why? Because I still find it hard to be satisfied with my achievements. I'm still not confident. In my mind, I'm belittling myself.

I know that this isn't right. I know that I should be the first one to believe in my own capabilities. But, what can I do?

I want to be happy. I want to be genuinely happy. So, what really makes me happy then?

I'm not sure. Peace of mind because I overthink a lot? To become a successful person? To be rich? To have a family of my own? To have a partner who'll love me unconditionally? I really don't know.

Lord,

I know I've got the most complex human brain out there. I'm sorry if I complicate things a lot. But, I also know that you have a purpose why you created me this way.

Lord, help me understand when things start to become very complex and confusing. Give me the wisdom to decide which way to go. 

Amen.