Of Happiness and Overthinking

In today's homily, Rev. Fr. Jun Sescon, Jr. of Greenbelt Chapel asked us What makes you happy? The question is very timely. It really got me thinking.

Last week, I was kind of discouraged not because of my new job nor with my new officemates. It was more of an internal thing. I was just overthinking again.

I'm comparing myself to someone in the office. We're of the same age but in terms of position, she's ahead of me. She's the boss of my boss. She has a good track record - got master's degree and graduated from UP. In terms of personality, she's very outgoing and oozing with confidence. She really deserves all the achievements that she's enjoying now.

I'm happy for her. Yes, I envy her but that doesn't mean that I'd like to see her fail. She deserves every bit of that success.

So, why am I overthinking? Perhaps because I suddenly realized that I still have a lot of things to do in order to prove to myself that I'm better than anyone else.

I started 2017 with a very positive outlook. I got a new job, a new set of friends and new tasks to work on. I would really like to sustain this kind of momentum but after last week, I'm finding it hard to get back on track.

I'm happy that I never run out of work opportunities. I even have a couple of part-time jobs. But every time I feel like I'm in a competition and that I'm on the losing end, I easily get discouraged.

Going back to that question, Fr. Jun advised us to answer it to ourselves: What makes you happy?

According to Fr. Jun, there are four levels of happiness - happiness in things, happiness in you, happiness in others and happiness in the goodness of God. I won't go through each of the four levels because they're obviously self-explanatory.

I tried to apply this concept in my life and I think I'm still on the first level - happiness in things. Why? Because I still find it hard to be satisfied with my achievements. I'm still not confident. In my mind, I'm belittling myself.

I know that this isn't right. I know that I should be the first one to believe in my own capabilities. But, what can I do?

I want to be happy. I want to be genuinely happy. So, what really makes me happy then?

I'm not sure. Peace of mind because I overthink a lot? To become a successful person? To be rich? To have a family of my own? To have a partner who'll love me unconditionally? I really don't know.

Lord,

I know I've got the most complex human brain out there. I'm sorry if I complicate things a lot. But, I also know that you have a purpose why you created me this way.

Lord, help me understand when things start to become very complex and confusing. Give me the wisdom to decide which way to go. 

Amen.