Fear of Failure

I had a training back in April. I don't think I find it difficult then because I would've remembered my struggles. It's safe to assume that I might've taken it lightly. That training has a certification exam that you need to take for a certain period of time. I have been trying to review but I probably did not put more value on it. I was forced to take the exam yesterday and I failed.

There were so many factors that contributed to this failure and I can't stop myself overthinking.

First, the preparation. I have eight months since I had the training to review and prepare but I didn't. I was given a lot of resources to read but I only touched them whenever I feel like reading. This attitude alone should've hinted me that I will definitely fail this exam.

Second, trust and insecurities. I have so many trust issues and insecurities in life. I don't believe in myself. I always compare myself to others. I have a fear of failure. The moment that the training was over, I did not take my review seriously probably because I won't be taking it in the first place for fear of failing it. But I have to. Our company paid for that training and I need to at least do my part.

Third, my attitude. Above all the other factors, it's still my attitude towards the exam that would matter. Have I been so positive about it, I would've prepared for it a long time ago. I would've prioritized it over other things. I would've asked for prayer warriors. But, I hide it from everyone. I was so afraid that if I fail, people would judge me.

It's over. I will now have to prepare for the next phase of it. Should I go for a retake? If yes, then I should know by now how not to fail again.

Lord,

I know I've been praying for this since I took the training. You know that I'm afraid of failure. You know that I have so low self-esteem. Yet You still allowed this to happen. :(

I'm not blaming You though. I know that You've done Your part. And that I failed because I didn't do mine. 

Or probably You let this happen to teach me another lesson - that I should learn how to look at failures from a different perspective.

Or maybe You wanted me to realize how bad I was in treating people days before the exam. I know, I was rude to a lot of them. I was so stressed that I really wanted to isolate myself but I can't because that's part of the challenge. 

Help me, Lord, to stand up again. I think I'm okay now but the moment that this topic will be brought up again, I'm pretty sure it would change my mood 180 degrees. 

Lord, all I want is to be happy and satisfied. Guide me to that path. Life's giving us so many options that it's really confusing me. Enlighten me, Lord.

It's already Christmas. It should've been me giving You a present. I'm selfish. I'm sorry, Lord. :(

Amen.