Resignation.

Chasing your dreams is exhausting and emotionally draining. It costs a lot. For me, it costs me my full time job.

I just finished writing my resignation letter. It wasn't a generic one like most exiting employees would probably write. Mine was very detailed. I made sure that whoever reads it, they would understand why I left the job.

I should be very sad right now. I won't have a steady flow of income anymore starting next month. I'm still struggling financially so this news should've been heartbreaking. Surprisingly, it wasn't.

I'm still concerned about where I'm going to get money to pay my bills. I don't have a new company to transfer to. How am I going to survive?

However, writing that resignation letter made me proud of myself. I felt so decided to leave. It's as if it wasn't me writing it.

I'm very indecisive so the fact that I was able to decide that I'm quitting my job there without any hesitations at all is a great development. It means that I have really thought it over.

Lord,

I'm talking to You again to let You know of this new challenge that I'm facing. Was this a punishment for my rude behavior towards my loved ones a couple of days ago? 

My future looks all the more blurry now that I don't have a full time job. But, I trust Your plans. I will trust Your beautiful plans for me.

Amen.

Rude.

Today, I went home too tired. I only worked for four hours as I have to leave early to process the papers needed for my business. I thought it would only take me less than three hours but it took way more than that. I was just so exhausted!

Still, it's not an excuse to be rude especially to your loved ones. I know it's bad but I still did it. I blocked my girlfriend in FB and went on sending harsh messages to my family. That's too much, right? Regardless of what situation I'm in, I should've kept my composure.

I don't like people bugging me so when I say 'no', just stop. I'm not playing hard to get. I just want to be alone. I want to recharge. I need space. Is it too much to ask?

I'm really selfish. My family needs me now but I still chose to be the hard-headed kuya. I thought it would be best to let them know that I'm not happy doing the things they're forcing me to do. I want to teach them a lesson as if I'm the perfect man in the family.

I think this is the reason why I haven't tasted success yet. Perhaps, the Lord is trying to teach me a lesson through continuous struggles, defeats, and disappointments. He's probably trying to make me realize that more than the earthly desires that I've been praying, I need to have a heart for the people around me. Yes, I'm doing good things, but, it's just not enough especially if I'm not being a Christian to the people close to me.

Lord,

Why am I like this? Is it just because I'm human? Is it just because I'm wired to be like this? 

Why can't I control myself when I'm about to do bad things to people? 

Why can't I just be the ideal brother and son to my family, or boyfriend to my girlfriend? 

Open my eyes, Lord, to the sacrifices that they've been doing for me every single day. 

Touch my heart, Lord, whenever I feel like being rude and selfish. 

Help me to be the better Christian You want me to be.

Amen. 

Hair loss.

So, I went to Svenson to avail of the free consultation regarding my thinning and receding hairline. This has been my problem for more than two years now and it’s seriously affecting my confidence. I’m happy that I’m finally doing something to overcome this. But I was quoted more than Php50,000. Kaya ko pa ba talaga ‘to? 😞 Ang hirap maging mahirap. 😞

I know for a fact that I'm getting older but I'm just in my early 30s. Why does it have to be me?

Growing up, I was always that kid that easily gets bullied. I've had issues within me blaming myself for allowing to be bullied, for being so kind, so understanding, so forgiving, to the point that people were abusing me. I was so ashamed of myself for being so weak.

But I also believe that I'm not ugly. I just don't know how to work on my looks to make me attractive. I know that I'm weird and have an attitude which makes people's impression of me looks entirely negative.

I consider college my prime years. I was surrounded by people who influenced me with some good taste. I wasn't maporma but at least I wasn't as baduy as I was in my teenage years.

So, when my looks started to deteriorate because of hair loss, I was so afraid that I'd lose that small confidence that I've started to build. Why so sudden? I haven't fully enjoyed the benefits of having the good looks.

I'm working so hard trying to achieve my dreams. But along the process, I forgot to take care of myself. Now, I have to consider paying a hefty price just so I could redeem my lost crown.

Should I go for it? Kaya ko pa ba talaga dagdagan ang mga bayarin ko?

Lord,

Am I really trying to solve this problem? Or am I just complicating things again? It wasn't like an urgent need to look good. I've been wanting to bring back my prime days. Pero parang hopeless na. Now, that there's a chance, ang mahal mahal pa!

Should I go for this, Lord? Are you trying to test me again? If I'll give this up, will I be able to accept the reality that I'm going to get bald earlier than those of my batchmates?  If I give this a chance, will You provide me with more resources to pay for this?

Help me discern, Lord!

Amen!