Self-destruction.

I'm back at it again. It's been three days since I curled up in bed and did not report for work. I called in sick. I don't have flu or migraine. I'm just not fine. Something's just not fine.

I don't know why I'm getting this feeling from time to time. It's that feeling that you just don't want to do anything at all.

I tried to assess myself. Is it because of work? Perhaps, yes. Because I kind of feel like this isn't worth it anymore. I get stressed out every single day. I'm experiencing some kind of anxiety. I should've been used to this, right? I've been working for years now. I don't know. It still feels like a new thing. I'm still not used to all the stress and pressure at work.

So, I'm actually thinking of resigning. If you've read my last blog entry and perhaps my all other similar entries, you'd probably say 'Eto na naman siya. Balik na naman siya sa dating gawi.' Well, yes, I completely agree because that's what I've been telling myself as well.

It feels like I can't control myself anymore. It has a life of its own. I know that what I'm doing now is so immature, unprofessional, so unbecoming of an officer. But I just can't force myself to be better. To do what's best for us. To choose what's right.

Why am I like this? I really don't understand myself. Maybe, something's happening to myself in a parallel universe. I don't know. Perhaps, I'm always like this because I'm doing things I'm not meant to do. Perhaps that universe is trying to tell me that I'm getting off track? Ganun ba yun?

Lord,

Andito na naman ako. Why? Why does it have to be always like this? Why should I always question myself, my situation, everything else? Why am I like this?

I can't focus. I can't do what this society dictates me to do. I can't be like this anymore. If this work, environment, or life is not meant for me, then where should I focus all my energy then?

It's too exhausting. After working so hard to impress the people around me, I'm ruining things for something that I don't even understand. Isn't it so unfair? You gave me this job, right? You challenged me to do well here then all of a sudden, you let me face this phase again?

Or, maybe You were trying to test me again? Maybe You were checking on me if I can handle a bigger blessing, a bigger role? Maybe You were testing me if I am ready for the next stage? Seeing me like this probably gave You an idea that I'm not worthy of it yet. If this is just part of Your grand plan, I hope you equip me with the right armor, the right mindset because seriously, I'm getting crazy thinking why I have to experience this every now and then.

Amen.

Resignation.

Chasing your dreams is exhausting and emotionally draining. It costs a lot. For me, it costs me my full time job.

I just finished writing my resignation letter. It wasn't a generic one like most exiting employees would probably write. Mine was very detailed. I made sure that whoever reads it, they would understand why I left the job.

I should be very sad right now. I won't have a steady flow of income anymore starting next month. I'm still struggling financially so this news should've been heartbreaking. Surprisingly, it wasn't.

I'm still concerned about where I'm going to get money to pay my bills. I don't have a new company to transfer to. How am I going to survive?

However, writing that resignation letter made me proud of myself. I felt so decided to leave. It's as if it wasn't me writing it.

I'm very indecisive so the fact that I was able to decide that I'm quitting my job there without any hesitations at all is a great development. It means that I have really thought it over.

Lord,

I'm talking to You again to let You know of this new challenge that I'm facing. Was this a punishment for my rude behavior towards my loved ones a couple of days ago? 

My future looks all the more blurry now that I don't have a full time job. But, I trust Your plans. I will trust Your beautiful plans for me.

Amen.

Rude.

Today, I went home too tired. I only worked for four hours as I have to leave early to process the papers needed for my business. I thought it would only take me less than three hours but it took way more than that. I was just so exhausted!

Still, it's not an excuse to be rude especially to your loved ones. I know it's bad but I still did it. I blocked my girlfriend in FB and went on sending harsh messages to my family. That's too much, right? Regardless of what situation I'm in, I should've kept my composure.

I don't like people bugging me so when I say 'no', just stop. I'm not playing hard to get. I just want to be alone. I want to recharge. I need space. Is it too much to ask?

I'm really selfish. My family needs me now but I still chose to be the hard-headed kuya. I thought it would be best to let them know that I'm not happy doing the things they're forcing me to do. I want to teach them a lesson as if I'm the perfect man in the family.

I think this is the reason why I haven't tasted success yet. Perhaps, the Lord is trying to teach me a lesson through continuous struggles, defeats, and disappointments. He's probably trying to make me realize that more than the earthly desires that I've been praying, I need to have a heart for the people around me. Yes, I'm doing good things, but, it's just not enough especially if I'm not being a Christian to the people close to me.

Lord,

Why am I like this? Is it just because I'm human? Is it just because I'm wired to be like this? 

Why can't I control myself when I'm about to do bad things to people? 

Why can't I just be the ideal brother and son to my family, or boyfriend to my girlfriend? 

Open my eyes, Lord, to the sacrifices that they've been doing for me every single day. 

Touch my heart, Lord, whenever I feel like being rude and selfish. 

Help me to be the better Christian You want me to be.

Amen. 

Hair loss.

So, I went to Svenson to avail of the free consultation regarding my thinning and receding hairline. This has been my problem for more than two years now and it’s seriously affecting my confidence. I’m happy that I’m finally doing something to overcome this. But I was quoted more than Php50,000. Kaya ko pa ba talaga ‘to? 😞 Ang hirap maging mahirap. 😞

I know for a fact that I'm getting older but I'm just in my early 30s. Why does it have to be me?

Growing up, I was always that kid that easily gets bullied. I've had issues within me blaming myself for allowing to be bullied, for being so kind, so understanding, so forgiving, to the point that people were abusing me. I was so ashamed of myself for being so weak.

But I also believe that I'm not ugly. I just don't know how to work on my looks to make me attractive. I know that I'm weird and have an attitude which makes people's impression of me looks entirely negative.

I consider college my prime years. I was surrounded by people who influenced me with some good taste. I wasn't maporma but at least I wasn't as baduy as I was in my teenage years.

So, when my looks started to deteriorate because of hair loss, I was so afraid that I'd lose that small confidence that I've started to build. Why so sudden? I haven't fully enjoyed the benefits of having the good looks.

I'm working so hard trying to achieve my dreams. But along the process, I forgot to take care of myself. Now, I have to consider paying a hefty price just so I could redeem my lost crown.

Should I go for it? Kaya ko pa ba talaga dagdagan ang mga bayarin ko?

Lord,

Am I really trying to solve this problem? Or am I just complicating things again? It wasn't like an urgent need to look good. I've been wanting to bring back my prime days. Pero parang hopeless na. Now, that there's a chance, ang mahal mahal pa!

Should I go for this, Lord? Are you trying to test me again? If I'll give this up, will I be able to accept the reality that I'm going to get bald earlier than those of my batchmates?  If I give this a chance, will You provide me with more resources to pay for this?

Help me discern, Lord!

Amen!

Burden.

Why does it feel like you're such a burden. You're supposed to help and support me but you're making things more difficult.

Am I really being unfair to you? Or you're just too self-centered that you want me to be more considerate of your lapses?

Lord,

This relationship is getting bad day by day. Open my eyes to see things from a bigger perspective. Perhaps, I'm just clouded with my emotions. Help me understand  her point of view because right now, she's just really dragging me down.

Amen. 

Lolo.

Help even when you also need one.


I'm struggling financially but something in me still approached a senior citizen who seemed problematic outside McDonald's earlier when I was having my lunch. I ended up buying his meal.

I'm not bragging about what I did. I kind of feel like he needed me. And that, despite having so many problems of my own, I felt him. I can relate to his struggles.

Perhaps, I was used to be his angel at that time. Perhaps, he's been desperately praying for someone to help him. He was not even begging to anyone. He was just seated outside, eyes closed, holding his tummy. I instantly knew that he needed me but I hesitated for a couple of minutes. I don't want him to be offended. But, upon realizing that he has no one ordering food for him, I went outside and talked to him.

Sometimes, we're being called to do things that are beyond us. I don't like giving alms not only because they could just be part of a syndicate, but also because I don't have any money to spare. But this time, I was called to help this lolo because I felt the need to do so. It was as if I was him.

Lord,

I know that I'm not perfect. That I judge people based on their acts. That I have trust issues. That I'm selfish. That I'm not being Christian most of the time. But, I thank You for opening my eyes to these realities. I thank You for using me to be a blessing to others even if I myself is also desperately praying hard for a blessing.

Grant me, Lord, the patience that I needed to wait for Your right time. Shower me the endurance so that I can withstand all these challenges.  

I am still waiting, Lord. I will continue to hold on to Your plans for me.

Amen.

Rejecting Rejections

Recently, I've got so many rejections. I know I've been through a lot but one thing's for sure, I'm not yet immune to rejections. I still get disappointed. I still get hurt. It sure still affects me.

I've isolated myself for a couple of days. It wasn't my intention though. I just don't feel like reporting to work. Then, it felt good not leaving my room the whole day. I then decided to do the same the next day. And, the day after next. If I don't have a scheduled appointment today, I would've not left my room for the fourth day.

I'm probably blaming myself for all these rejections. Maybe if I have good credentials, people could easily say yes to my proposals. Maybe if I was born rich, I wouldn't have to push myself to be one. Maybe if I'm good at Math, I would've gotten that slot for my next Master's. Maybe if I was really intelligent, I wouldn't have to hard sell myself. I wouldn't have to push myself to the limits. I wouldn't have to experience all these struggles.

Struggles are inevitable. But these struggles are for losers. I mean, if I was smart enough, I don't have to go through these, right? I would've to brace challenges that have more sense than these.

Or, maybe I think highly of myself too much. Maybe I should start lowering my expectations. But that would mean a mediocre me. I've always been a mediocre so adjusting my expectation down to this level would not help me at all.

I really don't know what to do now. I just kept moving forward hoping that I'm still on track. I can't afford to get off track again but I also can't afford to delay a brighter tomorrow if I will just stop now.

Lord,

I know You've been following me. You've probably noticed how confused I am recently. I don't know why I'm getting so many rejections. I mean, there's got to be a limit for these, right?

If these are just Your challenges, they're really tough ones. I can get through these. It's hard, really hard. But I'm counting on You. Strengthen my heart.

Amen.