Rude.

Today, I went home too tired. I only worked for four hours as I have to leave early to process the papers needed for my business. I thought it would only take me less than three hours but it took way more than that. I was just so exhausted!

Still, it's not an excuse to be rude especially to your loved ones. I know it's bad but I still did it. I blocked my girlfriend in FB and went on sending harsh messages to my family. That's too much, right? Regardless of what situation I'm in, I should've kept my composure.

I don't like people bugging me so when I say 'no', just stop. I'm not playing hard to get. I just want to be alone. I want to recharge. I need space. Is it too much to ask?

I'm really selfish. My family needs me now but I still chose to be the hard-headed kuya. I thought it would be best to let them know that I'm not happy doing the things they're forcing me to do. I want to teach them a lesson as if I'm the perfect man in the family.

I think this is the reason why I haven't tasted success yet. Perhaps, the Lord is trying to teach me a lesson through continuous struggles, defeats, and disappointments. He's probably trying to make me realize that more than the earthly desires that I've been praying, I need to have a heart for the people around me. Yes, I'm doing good things, but, it's just not enough especially if I'm not being a Christian to the people close to me.

Lord,

Why am I like this? Is it just because I'm human? Is it just because I'm wired to be like this? 

Why can't I control myself when I'm about to do bad things to people? 

Why can't I just be the ideal brother and son to my family, or boyfriend to my girlfriend? 

Open my eyes, Lord, to the sacrifices that they've been doing for me every single day. 

Touch my heart, Lord, whenever I feel like being rude and selfish. 

Help me to be the better Christian You want me to be.

Amen. 

Burden.

Why does it feel like you're such a burden. You're supposed to help and support me but you're making things more difficult.

Am I really being unfair to you? Or you're just too self-centered that you want me to be more considerate of your lapses?

Lord,

This relationship is getting bad day by day. Open my eyes to see things from a bigger perspective. Perhaps, I'm just clouded with my emotions. Help me understand  her point of view because right now, she's just really dragging me down.

Amen. 

Strangers Again

What was that?!? I was seriously shocked to see you again. When was the last time we saw each other? Was it 2008? Oh my God! I really didn't expect seeing you there.

I was on my way to the buffet area after the speaker wrapped up the session. I was really sleepy. I don't have enough sleep as always. While the talk is interesting, there were times that my eyes just want to close for a while and rest.

But things are about to change. The moment I saw you, my eyes got bigger. Surprised to see you there, I literally lost for words and had to snob you as I passed by you going to the buffet area. It was really not my intention but I just don't know what to do. My world just stopped there. It feels like I was floating.

There was no feeling of hatred nor happiness. It was more of a confused me. I was really caught off guard. I just don't know what to feel, or how to react with that sudden turn of event.

To be honest, I have been practicing before how should I act if  we bumped into each other again. Those were the days that I still hope that we could still be together. Don't get me wrong. I'm done with that phase. I've accepted that seven years after our relationship, things are a lot different now, way different than before.

You actually didn't change at all. You looked exactly that same person I fell in love with eight years ago. Your pictures in Facebook are saying the truth. Physically, you still have that gorgeous look that captured me.

I'm an idiot, I know. Why did I just let that happen. I should've approached you, right? I should've took the first step. I should've said my 'hi', 'hello' or anything that could start a conversation. I should've took that opportunity to talk to you, to stare at you or perhaps to hug you. I missed you so much! :(

We were just looking at each other, slowly, until I passed by you. We were both confused whether we should greet each other. We were trying to assess each other. Should I call you? Do you even still remember me? Until I passed by you. Until I was walking away from you. I turned my back. I did not look back because I was so afraid you wouldn't do the same.

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways are not your ways, says Yahweh.

I really missed you. I don't know why the Lord allowed this to happen. Knowing that I've been struggling emotionally these past few days, why would He even let our paths crossed? He knows that I still have some unfinished business with you yet He allowed this to happen?

Or maybe He was giving me another chance to talk to you and have some closure. Unfortunately, I'm being stupid. I let that moment passed as if nothing happened, as if we're both strangers.

Lord,

Why? Why did you not even give a single clue? Why does it have to be a surprise? I could've prepared for that. I could've done something, right? But, why?

I just want to understand, Lord. If this is part of your plan, I would be  happy to play along with it. Lol! You know how much I missed that person. You know how special that person is to me.

I won't expect too much, Lord. I've hurt so much. This person brought so much pain in my life that up until now I've been struggling to accept.

But, I would still would like  to thank you, Lord. If my calculation is right, those eight years of praying and hoping that we'll meet again was finally answered. It may not turned out to be what exactly I would've wanted it to happen, at least, it happened.

I don't know, Lord, if you just want me to be inspired. I'm not really sure if this would help. I'm thankful that you woke me up from my dying spirit.

Again, I won't expect too much. That might just be our last time seeing each other in person. But if You are feeling generous again, Lord, just please give me a sign. I looked terrible earlier. I looked wasted. Just let me prepare myself for that next meet up so I'm confident to do my first move.

Amen.

Of Physical, Emotional Healings

I'm sick. I have cough, colds and flu. I can't barely stand without taking medicines. I've been lying on my bed for two straight days now. I am so unproductive.

I'm living away from my family for almost four months now. This is the first time that I got so sick to the point that I had to take a leave from work. This blog entry even took me hours before I could finish it.

I know I'm acting like a baby. When you're sick, the least thing you'd want is not being cared for. That's precisely what I'm getting now. I don't have anyone to take care of me. I have to take care of myself. I guess, as I put it in an FB status, "Independence is being able to take care of yourself when you're alone and sick."

I love being independent. I was so used to it that my past relationship did not work well because I just can't share a portion of my life with her. Or, I guess I'm not yet ready that time?

Still, despite the fact that I'm so used to being alone, I still need someone. To be my confidant, my best friend, my partner, I guess I'm being emotional again.

I can still remember that time when I was so sick. I was still in college then. I was also away from my parents. This person took care of me without me asking for it - cooked noodles for me and gave me medicines. Like today, I was also just lying in my bed the whole time I was sick but I never felt so alone, I was loved.

But, that was in the past. I can't go back and fixed whatever happened to our relationship just because I'm realizing now what I have lost. Actually, I've been living in regrets for many years now. And while I try to accept that things happen for a reason, it still haunts me in my dreams, and when I'm down and sick.

Bro. Bo Sanchez just shared this photo in Facebook. It's just appropriate to what this blog entry is all about. Healing.

I know that God's plan is greater than ours. I just have to trust Him with all these wounds. Soon, I'll be able to answer all my questions. Soon, I'll get healed from my past and from this sickness.

Jeremiah 17: 14 Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

Our Lord is a Healer. He knows when we're hurt and in pain. He knows all our struggles. Best of all, He knows what all these pains are for.

Lord,

I know I have done so many bad things in the past and I still do even up to now. I deserve your punishment. I deserve this sickness, this pain. 

If this is Your will, help me Lord to overcome this. Give me enough strength to face each day. 

Strengthen my physical body so I could do all the things that you have entrusted me. 

Help me appreciate my present so I won't have to compare it with my past. 

Guide me to what my future would bring, Lord, so I won't have to live in regrets and just long for the brighter tomorrow.

Amen.