Self-destruction.

I'm back at it again. It's been three days since I curled up in bed and did not report for work. I called in sick. I don't have flu or migraine. I'm just not fine. Something's just not fine.

I don't know why I'm getting this feeling from time to time. It's that feeling that you just don't want to do anything at all.

I tried to assess myself. Is it because of work? Perhaps, yes. Because I kind of feel like this isn't worth it anymore. I get stressed out every single day. I'm experiencing some kind of anxiety. I should've been used to this, right? I've been working for years now. I don't know. It still feels like a new thing. I'm still not used to all the stress and pressure at work.

So, I'm actually thinking of resigning. If you've read my last blog entry and perhaps my all other similar entries, you'd probably say 'Eto na naman siya. Balik na naman siya sa dating gawi.' Well, yes, I completely agree because that's what I've been telling myself as well.

It feels like I can't control myself anymore. It has a life of its own. I know that what I'm doing now is so immature, unprofessional, so unbecoming of an officer. But I just can't force myself to be better. To do what's best for us. To choose what's right.

Why am I like this? I really don't understand myself. Maybe, something's happening to myself in a parallel universe. I don't know. Perhaps, I'm always like this because I'm doing things I'm not meant to do. Perhaps that universe is trying to tell me that I'm getting off track? Ganun ba yun?

Lord,

Andito na naman ako. Why? Why does it have to be always like this? Why should I always question myself, my situation, everything else? Why am I like this?

I can't focus. I can't do what this society dictates me to do. I can't be like this anymore. If this work, environment, or life is not meant for me, then where should I focus all my energy then?

It's too exhausting. After working so hard to impress the people around me, I'm ruining things for something that I don't even understand. Isn't it so unfair? You gave me this job, right? You challenged me to do well here then all of a sudden, you let me face this phase again?

Or, maybe You were trying to test me again? Maybe You were checking on me if I can handle a bigger blessing, a bigger role? Maybe You were testing me if I am ready for the next stage? Seeing me like this probably gave You an idea that I'm not worthy of it yet. If this is just part of Your grand plan, I hope you equip me with the right armor, the right mindset because seriously, I'm getting crazy thinking why I have to experience this every now and then.

Amen.