Hair loss.

So, I went to Svenson to avail of the free consultation regarding my thinning and receding hairline. This has been my problem for more than two years now and it’s seriously affecting my confidence. I’m happy that I’m finally doing something to overcome this. But I was quoted more than Php50,000. Kaya ko pa ba talaga ‘to? 😞 Ang hirap maging mahirap. 😞

I know for a fact that I'm getting older but I'm just in my early 30s. Why does it have to be me?

Growing up, I was always that kid that easily gets bullied. I've had issues within me blaming myself for allowing to be bullied, for being so kind, so understanding, so forgiving, to the point that people were abusing me. I was so ashamed of myself for being so weak.

But I also believe that I'm not ugly. I just don't know how to work on my looks to make me attractive. I know that I'm weird and have an attitude which makes people's impression of me looks entirely negative.

I consider college my prime years. I was surrounded by people who influenced me with some good taste. I wasn't maporma but at least I wasn't as baduy as I was in my teenage years.

So, when my looks started to deteriorate because of hair loss, I was so afraid that I'd lose that small confidence that I've started to build. Why so sudden? I haven't fully enjoyed the benefits of having the good looks.

I'm working so hard trying to achieve my dreams. But along the process, I forgot to take care of myself. Now, I have to consider paying a hefty price just so I could redeem my lost crown.

Should I go for it? Kaya ko pa ba talaga dagdagan ang mga bayarin ko?

Lord,

Am I really trying to solve this problem? Or am I just complicating things again? It wasn't like an urgent need to look good. I've been wanting to bring back my prime days. Pero parang hopeless na. Now, that there's a chance, ang mahal mahal pa!

Should I go for this, Lord? Are you trying to test me again? If I'll give this up, will I be able to accept the reality that I'm going to get bald earlier than those of my batchmates?  If I give this a chance, will You provide me with more resources to pay for this?

Help me discern, Lord!

Amen!

Burden.

Why does it feel like you're such a burden. You're supposed to help and support me but you're making things more difficult.

Am I really being unfair to you? Or you're just too self-centered that you want me to be more considerate of your lapses?

Lord,

This relationship is getting bad day by day. Open my eyes to see things from a bigger perspective. Perhaps, I'm just clouded with my emotions. Help me understand  her point of view because right now, she's just really dragging me down.

Amen. 

Lolo.

Help even when you also need one.


I'm struggling financially but something in me still approached a senior citizen who seemed problematic outside McDonald's earlier when I was having my lunch. I ended up buying his meal.

I'm not bragging about what I did. I kind of feel like he needed me. And that, despite having so many problems of my own, I felt him. I can relate to his struggles.

Perhaps, I was used to be his angel at that time. Perhaps, he's been desperately praying for someone to help him. He was not even begging to anyone. He was just seated outside, eyes closed, holding his tummy. I instantly knew that he needed me but I hesitated for a couple of minutes. I don't want him to be offended. But, upon realizing that he has no one ordering food for him, I went outside and talked to him.

Sometimes, we're being called to do things that are beyond us. I don't like giving alms not only because they could just be part of a syndicate, but also because I don't have any money to spare. But this time, I was called to help this lolo because I felt the need to do so. It was as if I was him.

Lord,

I know that I'm not perfect. That I judge people based on their acts. That I have trust issues. That I'm selfish. That I'm not being Christian most of the time. But, I thank You for opening my eyes to these realities. I thank You for using me to be a blessing to others even if I myself is also desperately praying hard for a blessing.

Grant me, Lord, the patience that I needed to wait for Your right time. Shower me the endurance so that I can withstand all these challenges.  

I am still waiting, Lord. I will continue to hold on to Your plans for me.

Amen.

Rejecting Rejections

Recently, I've got so many rejections. I know I've been through a lot but one thing's for sure, I'm not yet immune to rejections. I still get disappointed. I still get hurt. It sure still affects me.

I've isolated myself for a couple of days. It wasn't my intention though. I just don't feel like reporting to work. Then, it felt good not leaving my room the whole day. I then decided to do the same the next day. And, the day after next. If I don't have a scheduled appointment today, I would've not left my room for the fourth day.

I'm probably blaming myself for all these rejections. Maybe if I have good credentials, people could easily say yes to my proposals. Maybe if I was born rich, I wouldn't have to push myself to be one. Maybe if I'm good at Math, I would've gotten that slot for my next Master's. Maybe if I was really intelligent, I wouldn't have to hard sell myself. I wouldn't have to push myself to the limits. I wouldn't have to experience all these struggles.

Struggles are inevitable. But these struggles are for losers. I mean, if I was smart enough, I don't have to go through these, right? I would've to brace challenges that have more sense than these.

Or, maybe I think highly of myself too much. Maybe I should start lowering my expectations. But that would mean a mediocre me. I've always been a mediocre so adjusting my expectation down to this level would not help me at all.

I really don't know what to do now. I just kept moving forward hoping that I'm still on track. I can't afford to get off track again but I also can't afford to delay a brighter tomorrow if I will just stop now.

Lord,

I know You've been following me. You've probably noticed how confused I am recently. I don't know why I'm getting so many rejections. I mean, there's got to be a limit for these, right?

If these are just Your challenges, they're really tough ones. I can get through these. It's hard, really hard. But I'm counting on You. Strengthen my heart.

Amen.

Crazy Over Money

Last Thursday morning, just when I was about to leave, I got surprised to see that an MMDA ticket was on my car's windshield. It suddenly dawned on me that it was already past 8 in the morning and that the MMDA personnel who were doing their usual rounds already passed by our street. I know it was my fault but it did change my mood that day.

Fast forward today, I googled the corresponding penalties written in my MMDA ticket. There wasn't any amount indicated but there were codes associated with the supposed violations. Upon checking on their website, it totaled around P3,150. I was really surprised!

I don't know about other people but money could really turn me from being the happiest guy on earth to being the saddest. For me, that P3,150 could do a lot. It felt so disappointing. I'm blaming myself for waking up late that day.

I know that I could've just shrugged it off and move forward but I really can't help but overthink. I tend to compute the number of hours that I will be spending in my part-time job just to earn that much.

And just when I thought that things couldn't get worse, Metrobank, the only bank where I could pay the violations, said that they stopped accepting payments for MMDA tickets since December of last year. Now, I only have Bayad Center or SM Payment Center to pay the penalties but hopefully, they haven't stopped processing MMDA tickets too. What a day!

Lord,

I know I'm not perfect. Help me to properly process this negative emotion that all of a sudden gets into me whenever I encounter money problems. Help me be creative enough to channel this emotion to more meaningful ways. 

Amen.

Today I am Thankful.

I am so happy. On my way home, I was just talking to myself as if I was being interviewed on TV. It was just so uplifting to know that I am already part of something bigger, something that I was just praying and hoping before but now, it's starting to become my reality. Thank You, Lord!

Recently, I've been very busy doing a lot of things - school, office, my businesses, my part time job, my household (Christian cell group), family, love life and all the other things that I've been keeping myself busy. I just don't stop. I kept on pushing myself to do stuff that I myself could not even find time to finish. It's affecting my health, of course. It's been almost a week now that I'm feeling some back pain and I'm planning to get a massage soon (if I could still spare more time). In spite of all the struggles, what matters is at the end of the day, it feels so satisfying.

I've always wanted to take on roles like this. I've always known that I was born to do great things. Most of the times, I focused so much on my struggles that I forget to be grateful for my small successes, but looking back, those challenges were actually my stepping stones to move up.

I have yet to achieve the life that I dreamed of having but I know for a fact that what happened today was a huge leap closer to my dream. I know that  I meant to do bigger things. As long as I'm seeing progress every single day, I'm one day closer to a successful and meaningful life.

Lord,

I am filled with joy today. Thank  You for making today happen. There were moments earlier that I was about to back out but You seemed so persistent in pushing me to try it. And, it was really worth it! 

Continue to guide me, Lord! I know this new path that I will be taking would be even more challenging. Strengthen my heart as I face every single challenge every day.

Amen.

Low-spirited.

It's been weeks now that I'm like this - low-spirited, bored, unable to work properly. It's as if I just want to lock myself inside my room. I do feel like that's the only way that could make me feel better now. Or, if I could go back to my province and stay there for a while, that would be awesome!

But, I can't. I have bills to pay. I'm already in my 30's and I can't just leave everything without thinking of the consequences. I'm immature, yes, but I can't use that as an excuse. I can't stay that way forever. I have to work even if I don't really want to anymore. I have to force myself again to get up every single day and make myself realize that I have to be strong.

Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal? Why do I think negatively so much? Why can't I be a happy person? I'm trying. I really do. But, I'm just not wired to be one.

Lord,

I don't know if You noticed a pattern or what but I feel like I'm in a circle. I always go back to this state. I always feel this. Why?

Help me understand Your plans. How will this help me grow? How can I be a better person after this storm?

I'll be sleeping again with a heavy heart still hoping that tomorrow will bring me the sunshine that I've been waiting.

Amen.