The Awesome Year 2016

2016 is actually a great year. I've experienced a lot that made me a better person. And so, I'm wrapping up the year with a positive vibe.

This year taught me how to be even more independent. I moved to a new place last April and is enjoying the freedom that I'm getting so far. It was not hard to adjust. It was as if I'm ready to take this new life to a whole new level.

In terms of finances, 2016 gave me a roller coaster ride. I got more bills since I moved out of my parents' house. I was forced to look for additional sources of income. Luckily, I got a part time job in July and an online freelance gig in September. As I face 2017, I will also be moving to a new full time job. The Lord really knows when to answer our prayers, right?

My career is also good. While I haven't taken any certificate course yet to upgrade my technical knowledge and skills, my work experiences help me boost my worth. I got a lot of job offers as soon as I updated my resume in LinkedIn and JobStreet. I admit, the application process is not that easy. I failed a lot of them but good thing, it didn't stop me from applying.

I also became very consistent in hearing a mass every Sunday. I started the year attending The Feast and later on, in Greenbelt Chapel. I was also able to serve in SFC Loreto. To top it off, I was able to start this personal Christian blog that I've long been wanting to do. Hopefully, I'll be able to write on a regular basis here.

I was able to finally start a business. I just joined Uber late November. So far, it's good. I'm not getting a lot of money from it yet but I'm positive that it will prosper in 2017. I believe in the platform. I personally use it. While the government is particularly interested in regulating it, I think the Filipino commuters who need it the most would not let Uber and Grab halt their operations knowing that our public transportation isn't that impressive. 

As for my love life, that's possibly the one that I need to focused on this 2017. I'm not getting any younger so I really need to look for my special someone. But, I also don't want to put so much pressure that I look like I'm so desperate to settle down because I'm really not. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to take the burden of being a husband. Right now, I just want to experience the joy of having someone beside me.  

My relationship towards my family is also great. I don't get to bond with them that often but during special occasions like last Christmas and this New Year's Eve, I always try to make myself present.

All-in-all, 2016 is such a good year for me. I learned a lot. Of course, I still have a lot of things to improve in myself but I'm very much thankful that I survived 2016. See you later, 2017! Help me to become the best version of myself.

Lord,

Thank you for all the blessings and challenges this year. I won't say I find it easier to accomplish them all but as I look back, I now understand why I have to go through all of those. Thank you for making me stronger and wiser.

I don't know what's in store for me in 2017. What I do know is that You will always be there to guide me.

Lord, continue to bless my life and all the people around me. Use me to be your instrument in bringing God's love to those who need it the most. Strengthen my heart as I continue to take this path of Yours.

Amen.

Strangers Again

What was that?!? I was seriously shocked to see you again. When was the last time we saw each other? Was it 2008? Oh my God! I really didn't expect seeing you there.

I was on my way to the buffet area after the speaker wrapped up the session. I was really sleepy. I don't have enough sleep as always. While the talk is interesting, there were times that my eyes just want to close for a while and rest.

But things are about to change. The moment I saw you, my eyes got bigger. Surprised to see you there, I literally lost for words and had to snob you as I passed by you going to the buffet area. It was really not my intention but I just don't know what to do. My world just stopped there. It feels like I was floating.

There was no feeling of hatred nor happiness. It was more of a confused me. I was really caught off guard. I just don't know what to feel, or how to react with that sudden turn of event.

To be honest, I have been practicing before how should I act if  we bumped into each other again. Those were the days that I still hope that we could still be together. Don't get me wrong. I'm done with that phase. I've accepted that seven years after our relationship, things are a lot different now, way different than before.

You actually didn't change at all. You looked exactly that same person I fell in love with eight years ago. Your pictures in Facebook are saying the truth. Physically, you still have that gorgeous look that captured me.

I'm an idiot, I know. Why did I just let that happen. I should've approached you, right? I should've took the first step. I should've said my 'hi', 'hello' or anything that could start a conversation. I should've took that opportunity to talk to you, to stare at you or perhaps to hug you. I missed you so much! :(

We were just looking at each other, slowly, until I passed by you. We were both confused whether we should greet each other. We were trying to assess each other. Should I call you? Do you even still remember me? Until I passed by you. Until I was walking away from you. I turned my back. I did not look back because I was so afraid you wouldn't do the same.

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways are not your ways, says Yahweh.

I really missed you. I don't know why the Lord allowed this to happen. Knowing that I've been struggling emotionally these past few days, why would He even let our paths crossed? He knows that I still have some unfinished business with you yet He allowed this to happen?

Or maybe He was giving me another chance to talk to you and have some closure. Unfortunately, I'm being stupid. I let that moment passed as if nothing happened, as if we're both strangers.

Lord,

Why? Why did you not even give a single clue? Why does it have to be a surprise? I could've prepared for that. I could've done something, right? But, why?

I just want to understand, Lord. If this is part of your plan, I would be  happy to play along with it. Lol! You know how much I missed that person. You know how special that person is to me.

I won't expect too much, Lord. I've hurt so much. This person brought so much pain in my life that up until now I've been struggling to accept.

But, I would still would like  to thank you, Lord. If my calculation is right, those eight years of praying and hoping that we'll meet again was finally answered. It may not turned out to be what exactly I would've wanted it to happen, at least, it happened.

I don't know, Lord, if you just want me to be inspired. I'm not really sure if this would help. I'm thankful that you woke me up from my dying spirit.

Again, I won't expect too much. That might just be our last time seeing each other in person. But if You are feeling generous again, Lord, just please give me a sign. I looked terrible earlier. I looked wasted. Just let me prepare myself for that next meet up so I'm confident to do my first move.

Amen.

On Making Wise Decisions Daily

Proverbs 19:21 Plans abound in the human heart but only Yahweh's purpose will be realized.

I'm starting to lose it again. I really can't handle stress and am such an emotionally unstable dude. I know I've been here several times and I still don't know how to control myself. I'm hopeless!

I'm almost 30. Yikes! While I can't argue with some people that I look way older than my age, I still can't confirm if I personally have improved over time in terms of maturity. I'm an adult now. I've got my own set of responsibilities. Yet, I'm not sure if I'm doing well with handling these responsibilities. All I know is that my life's a mess. I don't have a goal, a direction in mind.

I really don't know what to do with my life. I'm so confused.

Sometimes I envy the people who don't have much responsibilities. The ones who just rely with their parents or siblings to live. All they have to do is wait while I have to work hard every single day.

There's this viral video in Facebook that tells about the meaning of the song Row your boat. Watch it below:

This one actually hit me.

You choose how to see life. Every morning when you wake up, you can either say: Good morning, God! or Good God, morning.

I know that this is God's message for me today. That I have options on how I should see my life. I can choose to be happy in the same way that I can choose to be miserable. Yet, I always chose to be miserable.

Lord,

I know that you always talk to me. I know that you're there every single second of my life. I know that you witness all my decisions and that I keep on disappointing you because I always choose to be sad. I always choose to worry and overthink.

I don't know why you created me to be like this, Lord. I'm not normal. I know that. I can see how different I am. I know that you consider me special. Whatever plan you have for me, Lord, help me understand that. Because right now, I'm very much confused. Things are just really blurry ahead.

Lord, I know that you have the best plan for my life. Fill my heart with the desire to fulfill it. To experience your best plan. To enjoy the best life you've reserved for me.

Thank you, Lord, for always listening to me - through my unspoken words and whispers of my heart.

Amen.

Of Physical, Emotional Healings

I'm sick. I have cough, colds and flu. I can't barely stand without taking medicines. I've been lying on my bed for two straight days now. I am so unproductive.

I'm living away from my family for almost four months now. This is the first time that I got so sick to the point that I had to take a leave from work. This blog entry even took me hours before I could finish it.

I know I'm acting like a baby. When you're sick, the least thing you'd want is not being cared for. That's precisely what I'm getting now. I don't have anyone to take care of me. I have to take care of myself. I guess, as I put it in an FB status, "Independence is being able to take care of yourself when you're alone and sick."

I love being independent. I was so used to it that my past relationship did not work well because I just can't share a portion of my life with her. Or, I guess I'm not yet ready that time?

Still, despite the fact that I'm so used to being alone, I still need someone. To be my confidant, my best friend, my partner, I guess I'm being emotional again.

I can still remember that time when I was so sick. I was still in college then. I was also away from my parents. This person took care of me without me asking for it - cooked noodles for me and gave me medicines. Like today, I was also just lying in my bed the whole time I was sick but I never felt so alone, I was loved.

But, that was in the past. I can't go back and fixed whatever happened to our relationship just because I'm realizing now what I have lost. Actually, I've been living in regrets for many years now. And while I try to accept that things happen for a reason, it still haunts me in my dreams, and when I'm down and sick.

Bro. Bo Sanchez just shared this photo in Facebook. It's just appropriate to what this blog entry is all about. Healing.

I know that God's plan is greater than ours. I just have to trust Him with all these wounds. Soon, I'll be able to answer all my questions. Soon, I'll get healed from my past and from this sickness.

Jeremiah 17: 14 Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

Our Lord is a Healer. He knows when we're hurt and in pain. He knows all our struggles. Best of all, He knows what all these pains are for.

Lord,

I know I have done so many bad things in the past and I still do even up to now. I deserve your punishment. I deserve this sickness, this pain. 

If this is Your will, help me Lord to overcome this. Give me enough strength to face each day. 

Strengthen my physical body so I could do all the things that you have entrusted me. 

Help me appreciate my present so I won't have to compare it with my past. 

Guide me to what my future would bring, Lord, so I won't have to live in regrets and just long for the brighter tomorrow.

Amen.

An Answered Prayer

I'm broke. I have so many bills to pay that my salary can barely cover them every month. While I'm also saving and investing, I just find my current situation a financial burden. What makes it worse is that I can't even provide for my family when they ask for help.

I know I had to do something. If it needs me to look for a higher paying job, I will do so. If I need to get a part time job again, I'll take it. I will do whatever it takes just to get out of this mess.

And so I applied for over a dozen of part time jobs online. Got interviewed multiples times. Most of these jobs would require me to spend at least a month of a whole day training which is impossible for me knowing that I have a full time job as well. I need a flexible part time job. Something that would complement with the current schedule that I have.

I got one back in May. I signed the contract and is ready to take the one week whole day training but on my first day, I did not report. I decided not to pursue it anymore as I could still manage my finances back then. Still, I knew then that the next few months would be even tougher. Why did I declined that part time job knowing that I would struggle for the next few months without it? I was just overly confident that I could still make it. And that's precisely the problem here.

It's always been 'I'. I can do this. I can make this work. I can be successful someday. I forgot that someone up there is helping me throughout my journey. I forgot that He's giving me opportunities every single day and I just either ignore or reject them because I was so full of myself that I can manage these things all by myself.

Last week, I went to my bank to redeem my investments. That was my last option if things are getting uglier. While I withdrew my investment at a time when its market value is way higher than the previous months, it just makes me feel sad that I had to do that. I really don't want to touch that money. I've been saving for the past couple of years and now, I'm liquidating it just so I could pay my bills. I was so heartbroken.

Matthew 7:7-8 Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives; whoever seeks, finds; and the door will be opened to him who knocks.

But, our God is a generous God. He did not let me be totally broke. I still have a full time job. And, I now have a part time job as well that would help me get back on track. I just signed the contract earlier.

I was so relieved that I can now start building what I have just lost. I believe it's not yet late to start a new investment. This is just a new beginning.

Lord,

Thank you for this blessing. I know I've been selfish and yet you still blessed me with so many things. I will do my best to improve my skills so I could keep this job for as long as You will. I will continue to serve You and be a living testament as to how generous You are to the people who believe in You.

Amen.

Pray More. Worry Less.

It's already past 3AM and I have yet to prepare to sleep. I'm just not sleepy. Or maybe because my mind is very much preoccupied with so many things that I'm overthinking again.

I've been trying to blog about all these things that are bothering me but I'm also trying to stop myself from letting the whole world know how I ended up having a life that feels like a mess. But then again, I realized that I'm putting too much burden to myself. Why do I have to care about how the others may think of me when I'm such a loser to begin with?

Earlier, I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed when I stumbled on one of my friends' posts. She posted a Bible quote that reads:

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I opened my Bible to look for that verse and found this commentary:

Why are you so worried? After worrying much because we do not have money, or because we are having a hard time, or because our work is being delayed, we are ashamed at meeting simple persons who share the little they possess with others poorer than they, without feeling sad or thinking they have done something great. Liberation is the work of God throughout history, and we, shall we have enough faith to free ourselves from so many worries? 

This obviously struck me. Money, work, every aspects of my life is seemed to be problematic. It's as if all my past decisions were so bad that I have to endure this present life.

I envy my friends who are around my age but are already enjoying the best of their lives. They seemed to have a good career and some of them are already settling down. I know I should stop using Facebook because it's not doing me any good but I'm still deciding if I really should deactivate it for the nth time.

Anyway, I think I'm not learning my lessons here. I've been here several times yet I still find myself at lost. I still don't know which way to go.

Shall we have enough faith to free ourselves from so many worries?

I wish I could be that Christian that have enough faith to free myself from all these worries.

Lord, 

I know you're there watching over me. You know all my struggles and worries. I know that you have already fixed these and that all I should do is to trust You with all my heart. To have faith in You.

I know I still have doubts. I have doubts on my capabilities to overcome these. But beyond all my strengths, help me, Lord, to entrust everything to You.

Amen.

At Home at Greenbelt Chapel

Greenbelt Chapel | Credit: Silkenhut.com

This is my second straight Sunday that I heard a mass at the Sto. Niño de Paz Community Greenbelt Chapel. I'm starting to feel at home here. Rev. Fr. Jun Sescon, Jr. is becoming a family to me even though we haven't been introduced personally yet.

These past few weeks, I've been struggling a lot in almost all aspects of my life. I'm so stressed at work due to an on-going project. I don't know where to get more money just so I could pay all my bills and help my family back at home. I can't find time to serve in SFC Loreto, my Christian community. I've lost interest in going through courtship just to search for my future partner. I don't even go out to meet new people and socialize. I am so lost.

In his homily, Fr. Jun said that we should check on the things that we give and accept in life. Life has a lot to offer and we should not accept all of it as is. If someone bullies you, ignore him. Don't let his negativity consumed you. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, ignore him. Look for people who can appreciate who you are. Do not let negative things control you. Learn to reject things and just accept those that would help you grow.

Fr. Jun Sescon Jr. | Credit: GreenbeltChapel.org

Back at work, there were times that I feel like I'm not worthy of all the tasks that I'm handling. It feels like I'm incapable to do such responsibilities. I've lost count all those times that I've wanted to quit. In times like these, Fr. Jun said, "shake it off!"

If you're too stressed and is unable to think straight, shake it off! This would allow you to see what's important versus those that are just there to challenge you. Sometimes, all we need is for someone to lead us back to our track.

Yes, I have a lot of concerns. I can't resolve all of them by quitting and starting all over. While starting anew feels like more convenient, unresolved problems in the past will continue to haunt you in the future. I should know that. I've got a lot of them that they bother me at night as I go to sleep.

Fr. Jun also reminded us of the material possessions that we have. That it should not dictate who we are.

More than the titles that we have, the money in our bank accounts, the business and investments we may have built up throughout the years, the cars that we drive, the house that we go to at the end of the day, the phones that we use, more than every single thing that we have acquired on earth, our characters should still be intact. Our character is who we are. And that should not change even when we start dressing up with all the branded clothes that we have.

Fr. Jun said "Be careful. The things you own may actually own you."

We should not let our material things dictate who we are. It should not, in anyway, control our lives. We should be the one controlling them. We should be in control of our lives.

I've got a lot of work to do. I learned a lot tonight. While this may not help me resolve my current problems, it gave me another reason to believe that I will be able to conquer these.