Low-spirited.

It's been weeks now that I'm like this - low-spirited, bored, unable to work properly. It's as if I just want to lock myself inside my room. I do feel like that's the only way that could make me feel better now. Or, if I could go back to my province and stay there for a while, that would be awesome!

But, I can't. I have bills to pay. I'm already in my 30's and I can't just leave everything without thinking of the consequences. I'm immature, yes, but I can't use that as an excuse. I can't stay that way forever. I have to work even if I don't really want to anymore. I have to force myself again to get up every single day and make myself realize that I have to be strong.

Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal? Why do I think negatively so much? Why can't I be a happy person? I'm trying. I really do. But, I'm just not wired to be one.

Lord,

I don't know if You noticed a pattern or what but I feel like I'm in a circle. I always go back to this state. I always feel this. Why?

Help me understand Your plans. How will this help me grow? How can I be a better person after this storm?

I'll be sleeping again with a heavy heart still hoping that tomorrow will bring me the sunshine that I've been waiting.

Amen.

Good News. Bad News.

The Good News. 

Over the weekend, I was so preoccupied thinking about the scholarship that I got myself into. I had to finish the first part of it on or before May 21st, Monday. The thing is, I was still in the first chapter of a 14-chapter module. How am I going to finish everything in just a short span of time?

It was my fault. I'm not a big fan of procrastination but I often find myself in it. And on every single time, I always blame myself for being so lazy.

Since it was so hopeless, I seriously prayed last Sunday for a miracle. That there might be some other way that could help me get past this.

In the wee hours of Monday, I rushed to complete all the chapter exams of the module. Luckily, I was able to pass all 14. But there are also 14 labs that need to be submitted. I was so tired and sleepy that time so I decided to email my sponsor if it's possible to have the timeline extended. Then, I went to bed.

As soon as I wake up, I got surprised to know that there was no deadline to begin with. The email reads "There are no deadlines. Those are guidelines to keep you on track. You will not be dropped from the program. You will have access to the material until Aug 2."

Prayers really do work. Who would've thought that I'll have more time to review and complete the program, right? I was already about to give up. I was about to accept that I failed this one again. But, the Lord is seemed to be so persistent in giving me another chance. I should not let him down this time.

The Bad News.

Just when I was about to end my day, I received a bad news. It's about one of my business partners in our recently established startup consultancy company. He's going to leave us. He's accepting an offer from one of our professors in the graduate school.

I was kind of expecting that he'll be going to accept the offer. That's a pretty good deal. I would've accepted that too. But, coming from the other side of the line, a part of me was really hoping that he'll still choose us. But, he didn't.

We parted in good terms. But, that was an emotional rollercoaster. We all tried to lighten things up. Slowly, I've started to realize that this business venture is bound to fail because the very person who engaged us to be here in the first place is already gone.

I don't know why I'm being optimistic these days but I still managed to accept the fact that he's gone and that we should all move forward because business is business.

I really like this new attitude inside me. It's not like I'm always positive. I'm beginning to see things in the brighter perspective. I'm not sure why it's happening but this is definitely a good sign.

Lord,

I have failed you a thousand times and yet you still gave me another chance. I know that I am not worthy of these blessings but I hope that I'll be able to glorify You as I take on this path.

You were there when I was stuck thinking how I should move forward. You were listening to all my prayers when I channeled there all my wishes and dreams. I couldn't be more grateful for Your guidance and wisdom. 

Thank You for making me realize how lucky I am despite all the bad news that I'm receiving every day. For keeping me cool and optimistic. I appreciate Your patience by always reaching out to me whenever I feel like being lost. 

Amen.

Visita Iglesia 2018

Holy Week in the Philippines is widely celebrated not only because we are predominantly a Catholic nation but also because this means long vacation. Most in the metro would be leaving to their respective provinces to reunite with their loved ones. Some families have traditions that they follow during this season while others take this opportunity to go out of town. I, on the other hand, was able to experience both last Maundy Thursday. Together with my girlfriend, we were able to do Visita Iglesia (Church Visit) in Pampanga, a province in Central Luzon.

Personally, this was my second time to do Visita Iglesia. Our family is not religious so we don't have such tradition like any other Catholic families. However, since I spent most of my college life in CFC-Youth for Christ (YFC), I got to experience how it is to do this widely followed Catholic tradition. We literally walked around Manila and visited various churches to pray. That was also my first time to tour around Manila.

Anyway, as we were heading to Pampanga, we had to endure the 4.5 hours of traffic in North Luzon Expressway (NLEX). That was my first time to experience an EDSA-like Carmageddon but we were cool enough to let it pass by singing in the car. That was really fun!

As soon as we arrived at the first of the seven churches, we prayed. My girlfriend prepared a personalized booklet that served as our guide to our Visita Iglesia. Compared to my first experience, this one made an impact on me. I think that's because of the reflections that came with each prayer as we recite the Stations of the Cross. It's probably just me being a deep person but this whole Visita Iglesia experience gave me that sense of purpose. It made me realize the importance of this Holy Week.

We were able to tour around Pampanga specifically in Lubao (St. Augustine Parish Church), Guagua (Immaculate Concepcion Parish Church and Betis Church), Bacolor (San Guillermo Parish Church), Santa Rita (Santa Rita Church), San Fernando (Metropolitan Cathedral of St. Ferdinand) and Apalit (St. Paul Parish). The whole Visita Iglesia experience only took us around four hours. I know the travel was even more time consuming but I personally think that it was worth it.

More than the beach escapade that others spent their time with this week, I personally think that what we did was more worthwhile. I'm not judging them by their preference though. Summer is officially here and a long vacation like this one is a good opportunity to escape our obligations at work or in school. May we all realize that we're not merely using this long vacation for our own personal getaways but also for our own personal reflections.

Lord,

Thank You for letting me experience this. I never thought that this would be this fun and meaningful. While it was really tiring, it was also inspiring and self-satisfying. It made me feel whole again.

Also, thank You, Lord, for the gift of my relationship. I would've not experienced this without her. Her patience and love for me assured me that she's my answered prayer. She's a living testament to my prayers.

Amen.

Big Boss

At work, I've been feeling a little down. I no longer have the same enthusiasm as I had a couple of months ago. I probably lost it because of my colleagues. I realized that they're not the same people I thought they were. Their real personalities have started to show now. Or, probably it's just the typical office politics and I'm just not into playing it. I can't stand people who treat you nice when you're together but are doing exactly the opposite when you're not around.

Earlier this morning, I learned that my big boss, the very person that I look up to and would really like to be my mentor, is leaving. He's now rendering his last thirty days in the office. I was so shocked. I thought it was just an early April Fool's joke. I don't know. I just really didn't see this coming.

He's migrating to Australia along with his family. It wasn't really about our company. It was more of a personal decision. He doesn't have any grudges against our company. As a matter of fact, he's giving us tips on how to survive on our own like dealing with certain executives. So, why am I so affected?

I've been thinking about resigning too. Like him, it wasn't about the company. Resignation is a personal choice, yes, but this was triggered because of the people around me. I felt like I don't belong to this group anymore. I wanted to stay but my personality just doesn't jive with the rest of our team.

Anyway, my big boss' resignation made me realize that nothing is really constant. He's able to establish himself in the company. He's already good. He's being respected by everyone and remained down to earth. He knows how to handle our team. I really didn't find any signs that he'd soon leave us. But, then again, there are people who know how to keep a secret. He's one of them.

I'm not sad nor heartbroken like this post may sound like. I'm confused. If he who seemed so happy with his current position is resigning, should I do the same? How come he's able to manage this plan without giving us a single clue that he's leaving soon? How can I do that too?

Lord,

I know You have Your plans for all of us. You can see everything. You are in control of everything. This might further confuse me but I believe that this is part of Your greater plan. 

Help me to be patient so I can wait for no matter how long it would take me to realize the beauty of Your plans. 

Continue to bless my big boss all the blessings that he deserves. He's such a good guy. Help him to inspire more people like me to do good in our chosen careers. 

Amen.

Cold Shoulder

I'm not sure if I'm just being overly sensitive or what but I kind of feel like I'm being given a cold shoulder.  I don't know why. I was actually trying to reach out because it's been a long time since we had a personal conversation.

We're not really that close. She's the girlfriend of the person whom I consider my best friend. I'm trying to still make a communication because I don't want to lose them. I still value them. Yes, I'm that kind of person because I don't have a lot of close friends. She's important to my best friend so I also value her as much as I value him.

Ok, she might just be so busy with her business. I'm actually so happy for her that she gets to do the thing that she's very passionate about. Are my actions coming off as something I did not intend it to be? I'm just genuinely trying to reach out, that's all. So, why does it feel like she's pushing me away?

Lord,

I know that I can be so sensitive that I'm overreacting. She might not just be giving me a cold shoulder. I'm probably just putting some meaning to it. I really don't know how to interpret her signals. Should I stop my attempts to reconnect with them? Should I end my relationship with the only person that I can consider my best friend?

Enlighten me, Lord, if I'm being blinded once again by my emotions. I constantly need guidance knowing that I'm so special. Help me understand what are these emotions and allow me to convert these to something useful.

Amen.

Depression and Unnecessary Stress

It's been two days that I've locked myself in my room. I told my boss that I'm not feeling well. To be honest, I was not sick. I'm very much healthy. It's just that I don't feel like I'm really ok.

My girlfriend said I'm showing signs of depression. That struck me. Am I depressed? And what's causing me to be depressed? Is it work? But my workload isn't that much. Is it school? It could be, but since I was not that busy at work, I have a lot of time to spend doing my academic deliverables. Is it my relationship with her or my family? I don't think so. Both are good. What is it really then?

I'm not sure why am I like going through depression. Of course, I don't want to conclude that this is really depression. It's probably not. But what is it really bothering me that it's already affecting my work?

I remember my officemates these past few days noticing that I looked very sad. Could it be because I'm not getting the attention that I wanted at work? I know that I'm holding some grudges towards my boss because he seemed to favor my colleagues over me. Was it really it?

I need to know the cause of this unnecessary stress so I could control myself if I'm starting to go through the same path again. And I won't be able to 'cure' this thing if I don't even know what's making me feel this way.

Lord,

Help me understand this. Why am I feeling like I'm on my worst? I can still smile. I can still laugh. But there's something in me now that's making me sad without any reason at all. There has to be one.

I know that holding grudges is bad but sometimes I feel like it was the best thing that I can do so I won't verbally or physically hurt anyone. If that's what's causing this mental and emotional sickness that I'm going through now, guide me to find my real purpose because I'm most likely getting off track. Help me realize that it's not about the recognition and title that I should value the most, that it's all about the quality of work and relationships that should always matter.

Amen.

Mixed Emotions

Just before we end our class earlier, our professor gave out all our deliverables for his subject. I got mixed emotions. Apart of me got excited because that would mean more opportunities for me to learn about this subject. But I can't just ignore the fact that I also got nervous if I'd be able to accomplish everything within the given timeline.

To be honest, I was not that busy at work this past couple of days. Most of the time, I was just busy doing my case study. Well, my bosses are all supportive of my studies so they're really okay with it so long as I'm able to finish all my tasks at work which I believe I'm able to do.

I still have a lot to learn and I'm so excited to go to school every Saturday. I always look forward to new learnings. But the thing is, I'm afraid of failures. And everytime that I feel like I'm not that good enough yet, I overthink to the point that I'm losing my interest in the subject.

Lord, 

I know that you've given me wisdom, intelligence, and talent. I know that I'm gifted. Help me to realize my worth so I can confidently show to the world all the blessings that you have showered upon me; not to brag it but to be a testament of a true believer.

Continue to lead me, Lord, to the direction where you want me to be. With all the distractions in this world, walk me to the path that would teach me to become the person you want me to be.

Amen.

Running Out of Time

I have a very busy schedule like most young professionals living in the city. I can't blame anyone because I was the one who chose this life in the first place. I want a lot of things - I want to be rich and successful, etc. But all those aspirations come with a lot of sacrifices. Unfortunately, that includes time.

I'm really exhausted. It feels like I no longer have control over my own life. It has to comply with my work, my school, my family, my friends, and relationships, with everything.

Am I just making excuses? Do I want another escape?

I'm tired of chasing my dreams. As soon as I wake up every single morning, I need to get hurry so I won't be late for work. My weekend is also always full of errands. I no longer have time for myself.

Lord,

I'm probably just overthinking because I'm tired and I seriously need a break. I'm exhausted. I've been chasing success for a long time and it feels like I still have a long way to go. 

Lord, I think I'm already losing myself. I'm giving a lot to the people around me and yet I'm starving myself of the break that I deserve.

Lord, help me realize my purpose. I'm probably just overwhelmed with all the things around me. I don't want to quit. I just want a break.

Amen.

The Giving Me

I noticed something different in me these days. I'm seeing myself now less of a kuripot and more of a giver.

I now give tips whenever I get excellent service. I remember the last time I had my hair cut, I gave a tip to the barber not because I got peer pressured by the other clients in that shop but because I liked his service. And then earlier, I bought the doughnuts that my brother tagged me on Facebook. I thought he would like it.

I'm starting to see how the Lord slowly changed me. Before, I always refuse to give tips and even buy pasalubong all because they're  not in my budget. I was struggling with my finances back then so I had to make sure that I'm spending every single centavo on my bills and other obligations.

Now, I think I have some extra money that I can now freely share with the people I valued so much.

Lord,

Thank You for showering me with so many blessings that I can now share it with my loved ones. I'm very much grateful for making me realize how blessed I am.

Thank You, Lord, for guiding me to this path. I never thought I'd be a giver after going through financial struggles in 2016.

Help me, Lord, to be more giving as I experience the fullness of Your love and care. And, enlighten me whenever I'm starting to become the person I used to be.

Amen.

Expectation x Disappointment

You get disappointed because of your expectations. But, isn’t expecting inevitable? I guess, we just really have to learn how to embrace disappointments as part of our lives.

Lord, 

 Help me to overcome this. Guide me to be the person you’d want me to be when confronted with disappointments. 

 Amen