It's been two days that I've locked myself in my room. I told my boss that I'm not feeling well. To be honest, I was not sick. I'm very much healthy. It's just that I don't feel like I'm really ok.
My girlfriend said I'm showing signs of depression. That struck me. Am I depressed? And what's causing me to be depressed? Is it work? But my workload isn't that much. Is it school? It could be, but since I was not that busy at work, I have a lot of time to spend doing my academic deliverables. Is it my relationship with her or my family? I don't think so. Both are good. What is it really then?
I'm not sure why am I like going through depression. Of course, I don't want to conclude that this is really depression. It's probably not. But what is it really bothering me that it's already affecting my work?
I remember my officemates these past few days noticing that I looked very sad. Could it be because I'm not getting the attention that I wanted at work? I know that I'm holding some grudges towards my boss because he seemed to favor my colleagues over me. Was it really it?
I need to know the cause of this unnecessary stress so I could control myself if I'm starting to go through the same path again. And I won't be able to 'cure' this thing if I don't even know what's making me feel this way.
Lord,
Help me understand this. Why am I feeling like I'm on my worst? I can still smile. I can still laugh. But there's something in me now that's making me sad without any reason at all. There has to be one.
I know that holding grudges is bad but sometimes I feel like it was the best thing that I can do so I won't verbally or physically hurt anyone. If that's what's causing this mental and emotional sickness that I'm going through now, guide me to find my real purpose because I'm most likely getting off track. Help me realize that it's not about the recognition and title that I should value the most, that it's all about the quality of work and relationships that should always matter.
Amen.
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