Of Physical, Emotional Healings

I'm sick. I have cough, colds and flu. I can't barely stand without taking medicines. I've been lying on my bed for two straight days now. I am so unproductive.

I'm living away from my family for almost four months now. This is the first time that I got so sick to the point that I had to take a leave from work. This blog entry even took me hours before I could finish it.

I know I'm acting like a baby. When you're sick, the least thing you'd want is not being cared for. That's precisely what I'm getting now. I don't have anyone to take care of me. I have to take care of myself. I guess, as I put it in an FB status, "Independence is being able to take care of yourself when you're alone and sick."

I love being independent. I was so used to it that my past relationship did not work well because I just can't share a portion of my life with her. Or, I guess I'm not yet ready that time?

Still, despite the fact that I'm so used to being alone, I still need someone. To be my confidant, my best friend, my partner, I guess I'm being emotional again.

I can still remember that time when I was so sick. I was still in college then. I was also away from my parents. This person took care of me without me asking for it - cooked noodles for me and gave me medicines. Like today, I was also just lying in my bed the whole time I was sick but I never felt so alone, I was loved.

But, that was in the past. I can't go back and fixed whatever happened to our relationship just because I'm realizing now what I have lost. Actually, I've been living in regrets for many years now. And while I try to accept that things happen for a reason, it still haunts me in my dreams, and when I'm down and sick.

Bro. Bo Sanchez just shared this photo in Facebook. It's just appropriate to what this blog entry is all about. Healing.

I know that God's plan is greater than ours. I just have to trust Him with all these wounds. Soon, I'll be able to answer all my questions. Soon, I'll get healed from my past and from this sickness.

Jeremiah 17: 14 Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

Our Lord is a Healer. He knows when we're hurt and in pain. He knows all our struggles. Best of all, He knows what all these pains are for.

Lord,

I know I have done so many bad things in the past and I still do even up to now. I deserve your punishment. I deserve this sickness, this pain. 

If this is Your will, help me Lord to overcome this. Give me enough strength to face each day. 

Strengthen my physical body so I could do all the things that you have entrusted me. 

Help me appreciate my present so I won't have to compare it with my past. 

Guide me to what my future would bring, Lord, so I won't have to live in regrets and just long for the brighter tomorrow.

Amen.

An Answered Prayer

I'm broke. I have so many bills to pay that my salary can barely cover them every month. While I'm also saving and investing, I just find my current situation a financial burden. What makes it worse is that I can't even provide for my family when they ask for help.

I know I had to do something. If it needs me to look for a higher paying job, I will do so. If I need to get a part time job again, I'll take it. I will do whatever it takes just to get out of this mess.

And so I applied for over a dozen of part time jobs online. Got interviewed multiples times. Most of these jobs would require me to spend at least a month of a whole day training which is impossible for me knowing that I have a full time job as well. I need a flexible part time job. Something that would complement with the current schedule that I have.

I got one back in May. I signed the contract and is ready to take the one week whole day training but on my first day, I did not report. I decided not to pursue it anymore as I could still manage my finances back then. Still, I knew then that the next few months would be even tougher. Why did I declined that part time job knowing that I would struggle for the next few months without it? I was just overly confident that I could still make it. And that's precisely the problem here.

It's always been 'I'. I can do this. I can make this work. I can be successful someday. I forgot that someone up there is helping me throughout my journey. I forgot that He's giving me opportunities every single day and I just either ignore or reject them because I was so full of myself that I can manage these things all by myself.

Last week, I went to my bank to redeem my investments. That was my last option if things are getting uglier. While I withdrew my investment at a time when its market value is way higher than the previous months, it just makes me feel sad that I had to do that. I really don't want to touch that money. I've been saving for the past couple of years and now, I'm liquidating it just so I could pay my bills. I was so heartbroken.

Matthew 7:7-8 Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives; whoever seeks, finds; and the door will be opened to him who knocks.

But, our God is a generous God. He did not let me be totally broke. I still have a full time job. And, I now have a part time job as well that would help me get back on track. I just signed the contract earlier.

I was so relieved that I can now start building what I have just lost. I believe it's not yet late to start a new investment. This is just a new beginning.

Lord,

Thank you for this blessing. I know I've been selfish and yet you still blessed me with so many things. I will do my best to improve my skills so I could keep this job for as long as You will. I will continue to serve You and be a living testament as to how generous You are to the people who believe in You.

Amen.

Pray More. Worry Less.

It's already past 3AM and I have yet to prepare to sleep. I'm just not sleepy. Or maybe because my mind is very much preoccupied with so many things that I'm overthinking again.

I've been trying to blog about all these things that are bothering me but I'm also trying to stop myself from letting the whole world know how I ended up having a life that feels like a mess. But then again, I realized that I'm putting too much burden to myself. Why do I have to care about how the others may think of me when I'm such a loser to begin with?

Earlier, I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed when I stumbled on one of my friends' posts. She posted a Bible quote that reads:

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I opened my Bible to look for that verse and found this commentary:

Why are you so worried? After worrying much because we do not have money, or because we are having a hard time, or because our work is being delayed, we are ashamed at meeting simple persons who share the little they possess with others poorer than they, without feeling sad or thinking they have done something great. Liberation is the work of God throughout history, and we, shall we have enough faith to free ourselves from so many worries? 

This obviously struck me. Money, work, every aspects of my life is seemed to be problematic. It's as if all my past decisions were so bad that I have to endure this present life.

I envy my friends who are around my age but are already enjoying the best of their lives. They seemed to have a good career and some of them are already settling down. I know I should stop using Facebook because it's not doing me any good but I'm still deciding if I really should deactivate it for the nth time.

Anyway, I think I'm not learning my lessons here. I've been here several times yet I still find myself at lost. I still don't know which way to go.

Shall we have enough faith to free ourselves from so many worries?

I wish I could be that Christian that have enough faith to free myself from all these worries.

Lord, 

I know you're there watching over me. You know all my struggles and worries. I know that you have already fixed these and that all I should do is to trust You with all my heart. To have faith in You.

I know I still have doubts. I have doubts on my capabilities to overcome these. But beyond all my strengths, help me, Lord, to entrust everything to You.

Amen.

At Home at Greenbelt Chapel

Greenbelt Chapel | Credit: Silkenhut.com

This is my second straight Sunday that I heard a mass at the Sto. Niño de Paz Community Greenbelt Chapel. I'm starting to feel at home here. Rev. Fr. Jun Sescon, Jr. is becoming a family to me even though we haven't been introduced personally yet.

These past few weeks, I've been struggling a lot in almost all aspects of my life. I'm so stressed at work due to an on-going project. I don't know where to get more money just so I could pay all my bills and help my family back at home. I can't find time to serve in SFC Loreto, my Christian community. I've lost interest in going through courtship just to search for my future partner. I don't even go out to meet new people and socialize. I am so lost.

In his homily, Fr. Jun said that we should check on the things that we give and accept in life. Life has a lot to offer and we should not accept all of it as is. If someone bullies you, ignore him. Don't let his negativity consumed you. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, ignore him. Look for people who can appreciate who you are. Do not let negative things control you. Learn to reject things and just accept those that would help you grow.

Fr. Jun Sescon Jr. | Credit: GreenbeltChapel.org

Back at work, there were times that I feel like I'm not worthy of all the tasks that I'm handling. It feels like I'm incapable to do such responsibilities. I've lost count all those times that I've wanted to quit. In times like these, Fr. Jun said, "shake it off!"

If you're too stressed and is unable to think straight, shake it off! This would allow you to see what's important versus those that are just there to challenge you. Sometimes, all we need is for someone to lead us back to our track.

Yes, I have a lot of concerns. I can't resolve all of them by quitting and starting all over. While starting anew feels like more convenient, unresolved problems in the past will continue to haunt you in the future. I should know that. I've got a lot of them that they bother me at night as I go to sleep.

Fr. Jun also reminded us of the material possessions that we have. That it should not dictate who we are.

More than the titles that we have, the money in our bank accounts, the business and investments we may have built up throughout the years, the cars that we drive, the house that we go to at the end of the day, the phones that we use, more than every single thing that we have acquired on earth, our characters should still be intact. Our character is who we are. And that should not change even when we start dressing up with all the branded clothes that we have.

Fr. Jun said "Be careful. The things you own may actually own you."

We should not let our material things dictate who we are. It should not, in anyway, control our lives. We should be the one controlling them. We should be in control of our lives.

I've got a lot of work to do. I learned a lot tonight. While this may not help me resolve my current problems, it gave me another reason to believe that I will be able to conquer these.